How's this for an example.
The off hand comments about how sorry you are. The stares and whispers. The people that don't think first and ask "is he retarded?" Or the just plain mean ones who mean it, and actually thought about it before saying it. The doctors thinking they can take advantage of you, and your child. Or thinking you're stupid and not capable of caring for your child the way they could. Or the doctors who think they're the best, yet want to experiment on your child. Or the people who think you aren't doing enough.
I already feel as though I could do better with Carsyn. I do not need you to remind me of how much of a failure I think I am. I'm at the same job I was at when I was 16. I did two years of college before I had to withdraw due to an illness that Carsyn got. Then the seizures got worse. And I still haven't gone back. Who wouldn't change? Who wouldn't look at most people and immediately ask themselves
if Carsyn were here, in this room, would you still be talking to me the way you are now?
I can say with little to no doubt that most of my family and friends wouldn't. It's the strangers that make me nervous.
I can handle it when I'm by myself. In fact, my mother would say id be the first to tell you right where to shove it. But when Carsyn is in the room. That's a different story. I'm not thinking about me in that moment. I'm asking myself what Carsyn is thinking. When people ask the rude questions in front of him I have to wonder how that makes him feel. And I get angry. Carsyn doesn't need to feel like anyone is better than him. Because they are not. He has been through hell and back. And if anyone deserves respect, it's him.
So yes, when confronted with something that makes me angry, especially when it's something rude towards Carsyn, I lash out. I'm protecting my child from hurt. That's what a parent does. Enough of this shit about "preparing your child for the future" you know what I have to say to that?
F*** you.
If preparing Carsyn for the future means letting people make him feel like he is nothing but a burden or experiment. Then I'm not on board. But if preparing him for the future means showing him that I will always be there to protect him from people like that, and love him no matter what. And show him that there are people out there that are good. Then damn it I'm preparing him.
At work, I smile, I talk, I laugh. But inside I'm wondering the same thing for every person. How would you treat my 7 year old.
I hide it well. I'm very good at pretending things don't bother me at work. I may have the occasional break down, and my co-workers are always there to support me and make me feel like I'm not as crazy as i feel in that moment. But for the most part, I think everyone there thinks I'm just fine. When in fact, half the time I'm not.
I had a lady come in a few months back who told me she's very good at reading your eyes. And that I look troubled. She was pretty spot on in what she told me. Which is surprising. Ever have a bad day and pretend your fine just to have someone tell you you look as bad as you feel?
That sucks.
I think you can tell a lot about a person by watching how they react to a child with special needs. For the ones that are nervous, and don't know how to react it can go one of two ways. They react negatively in the end, or They turn out to be the ones who talk to him and tell him how special he is. the ones who embrace him and love him immediately. Those are my favorites. Because I know they are good people. I know that they would never make Carsyn feel bad.
But the others. They are the reason I don't trust very easily. They are the reason I hesitate when introducing Carsyn. I do not want them to make him feel bad, or hurt.
I am his mother. I am doing everything I can for him. So don't take it personal when I cancel plans, or just don't have the energy to deal with people. Imagine being in my position for a little while. The. Tell me I'm not doing enough. Then tell me I'm a horrible friend.
I bet you wouldn't.
No comments:
Post a Comment