the secrets i keep.

It's nighttime. I can't sleep.

All I can think about is what if I fall asleep and something happens?

I hate this. I can't stop. All I want to do is scream. JUST STOP. but I can't. My brain keeps going. It's like streaming a horror show in my mind ever five seconds.

I hate sleep. The nightmares are so real it's hard for me to get a grip on reality when I first wake up.

I frantically try to find Carsyn in the dark. And in those dreaded moments when he's breathing so quiet that I can't hear him I silently have a panic attack.

I can't do this.

I can't stop thinking about what could happen.

It's not like I want to think about this. I just can't not think about it. Melatonin increases the vividness of my nightmares. Any pm medications make me sleep through everything. So I'm stuck laying awake at night. Listening to Carsyn breathing and silently praying he doesn't stop.

These are my secrets. Todd doesn't know. I know he'd understand, but I don't want to make him think I'm a basket case.

Once the panic sets in its hard to get rid of it. So I lean over and whisper to Carsyn that I love him. Forever. No matter what. I play with his hair and watch how he scrunches his nose in his sleep. Or how he does this cute little sigh when he's in a deep sleep.

This is what keeps me sane. Carsyn.

On the off chance I wake Todd up after a nightmare he holds me. It helps, but not as much as when I watch Carsyn sleep.

I know I sound like all I do is worry about something happening. It's not. I do have good days. There are weeks were I don't have nightmares. Every day we do something fun. I'm not always freaking out. But when I am,, I feel like nothing will help me but holding Carsyn.

I'm not sure if this will ever stop. Seeing someone might help. But money is tight most of the time. That and I'm afraid I'll be put on medication. I don't want medication. I want my child to grow old and fall in love and be happy. Medication will just get in the way of me taking care of him. I won't go that route. I've been dealing on my own for six years. I can do this.

It's just scary.

I don't know why I'm worrying so much. I always do at night. Carsyn is happy, gaining weight and seizure free right now. He got over an illness that could have killed him. He was sick from the middle of November up until the middle of January. There were days I thought I would lose him.

But no matter what he's going through, when the lights go out fear sets in. During the day I'm fine.

Carsyn has a doctor's appointment tomorrow. It's a new pediatrician and this is his first time seeing him. I hope I like him, because I hated the last one towards the end. She stopped making referrals for him, and started getting bitchy when I didn't like how a doctor was treating Carsyn and I wanted a new one. She was great in the beginning. But now all I want to do is sock her in the face.

I'm trying really hard to stop cussing so much in the posts. It's hard. Especially when I'm mad.

Sleep should be my main worry right now. But instead, I hold Carsyn's hand. I love how he squeezes my finger in his sleep.

So Until next time
 <3