It has been a really long time since I've updated here. Unfortunately, I don't have a great update for you.
On November 7th, 2021 at 9:42 am Carsyn passed away in my arms after a three week long hospital stay. To say my heart is broken is an understatement. My entire life changed that day and I lost my best friend.
I was 16 when I had Carsyn. We grew together. It was me and him for a long time. Even when Todd entered our lives it was still just us during the day. I spent my entire day with him, we cried together, we laughed together, we napped together... and now he's gone.
On October 16th 2021 we were sent to urgent care for what the doctors thought might be a UTI. Carsyn had been battling what we thought was bronchitis for a while and had suddenly spiked a fever and his heart rate was really high.
thankfully when we got there they immediately sent him to the ER where we found out that he had pneumonia and a pleural effusion. It was so bad it was deflating his left lung and pressing on his heart.
The first week in the PICU went well, he looked to be recovering. When he started getting better during the second week I told the attending they needed to get him out asap because hes notorious for catching things in the hospital the longer he's there. She did not listen. in fact she basically ignored me thinking she knew better and sent him upstairs to a new floor to make room for other patients sicker than he was.
The hospital was full of Covid and RSV. I wanted him out of there.
Carsyn ended up back in that PICU after catching RSV. not long after that he had a pulminary hemmorage. They were forced to intubate him. and I was forced to watch. When the doctors came rushing in it blocked me in the back of the room with nothing to do but watch as they tried to save my son. Ive seen him be intubated once before but this time was so much worse. I will never get the image of the blood running out of his mouth out of my head. and as this was going on that same doctor decided it was a good time to apologize to me. Whether she was apologizing for not listening to me or because i had to watch I will never know, because i turned away from her. I had nothing to say.
Every other doctor in the PICU (aside from the woman who thought she knew my son better) never gave up on him. They moved to dialysis when his kidneys started failing. but unbeknownst to us Carsyn had also caught an antibiotic resistant sepsis in the hospital as well. We didn't get those results until 2 weeks after he passed.
We made a plan. If he wasn't going to make it I was getting in that bed. I'll be damned if my son was going to cross over without some comfort.
Carsyn spent less than a week intubated before he left. When the main doctor told me he wouldn't make it I took the time to read him the end of the book we had been working on. I then told him what he meant to me, how he changed my life and how much I loved him. I told him I understood. He had been fighting for 14 years and he was understandably tired.
The next morning Carsyn's oxygen levels wouldn't come above 70%. I then had to make the hardest decision I will ever have to make. Did I want them to do CPR if his heart stopped? I had been putting that decision off for days.. and we were coming down to a point where I couldn't tell them I don't know anymore.
I told them not to. It would have been incredibly selfish of me. He had so much going on. Too much. and he had blown a hole in one of his lungs because his lungs were so damaged.
I called Todd and my mom. Todd got there first and I gave him alone time to talk to Carsyn.
When Carsyn's oxygen started going below 60 the doctor told me it was time. I crawled into bed and cuddled him tight. Todd held his hand and stroked his forehead. We played some Rascal Flatts and just before his heart stopped I sang You Are My Sunshine.
He left this world with his parents at his side. He was not in any pain and he went quickly.
I have been dreading making this update.
Ive been ignoring responsibilities. The only reason I get out of bed anymore is for my daughter. They doubled my antidepressant and I'm maxed out on my anxiety meds...but it doesn't stop the flashbacks. I replay the worst day of my life most nights. I am swinging from irrationally angry, overwhelmingly sad, and feeling empty. It physically hurts. No one told me heartbreak can physically hurt this much. You don't understand the amount of effort it takes to go about my day. If it were up to me I'd lay on the floor and never get up. I'm trying.
I don't know who I am without Carsyn. I'm still trying to figure that out. That boy was everything good about me. He was half of my world. He made me a better person.
Holidays were hell. but whats worse is we finally stripped his bed a few days ago and took that and supplies to someone who would use them. THAT.. that was hard. I went to Walmart yesterday and cried because I saw the shaker bottles and personal fans. Right about this time Im getting him things like those to get through the summer. I had to Christmas shop for one child this year.
and now all I can do is pray I never forget the sound of his little voice. Or the way he'd giggle when he'd get too tired. I miss his snuggles. Hell, I even miss his dirty looks. I hope I did right by him. I hope he was happy with me.
Most of all I pray Emma never forgets her brother.
Thank you, for going on this journey with me.
Thank you for loving my sweet boy.
No comments:
Post a Comment